the would-be writers guild

I have a condition. I woke up yesterday and I had forgotten how to blog. I shrugged my shoulders and went about my day, figuring it was a 24-hour thing, but I got up today in the same situation. Oh my gosh, maybe I have the Swine Flu! Does anybody know if the Swine Flu symptoms include feeling absolutely fine but having a lack of ideas to blog about?

Oh geez, I hope not. I want to die of something much more romantic. And I want to be able to blog about it in great detail right up until the very end.

So what am I to do about this? Well, I thought I’d take an example from all the fine folks on Wall Street and make MY problem into YOUR problem. Basically, I’m asking for a bailout: give me something to blog about.

You can either send me 700 billion dollars to revive my inner blogger…

OR

You can ask me a question, any question, and I’ll answer in Real Time, meaning that this post will grow throughout the day with your questions and my answers as you ask and as I answer.

(There is only one rule, of course, and that is to keep it clean. If you don’t, I’ll send you fungus infected toenail clippings.)

I’m sorta hoping for the 700 billion, but I’m willing to try the other idea. Let’s see if we can’t get through this together!

From Keek: I have a question, where do you go to get decorating ideas? I am so in that mode to paint or decorate a room and you are so good at all of that. Where do you get your inspiration?

Oh dear. I feel a little inadequate to answer this question. I don’t have one source for ideas. I love browsing catalogs and magazines for design and decorating ideas, but I’m also a sucker for all those design shows that makeover a room or space.

As for my personal style, I think that it’s nice when a few colors are the stars of the show in a room, but I think that pulling in a bunch of other colors in accessories, pictures and art makes a huge difference. When I took an oil painting class I learned that the way painters create the look of flesh is not by using one flesh-colored paint, but by layering multiple colors—practically every color in the rainbow. The result is a look of depth and real liveliness. I think it’s the same in a room. The more color you can pull in, the more lively and complete the room looks. At least in my opinion.

And as for the nuts-and-bolts of how I tackle a room, it almost always begins with the paint. We pick something we think we will like and then we build from there. (I say “we” because Ryan and I begin these projects together. He has a great eye.)

From Mrs. Smith: Since I am preparing for finals, and you yourself have survived many finals, I am wondering if you have any advice on how to be sharp and ready come test time? I have heard that eating chocolate or drinking orange juice (not at the same time though- gross!) may help. Any other tips that may have worked for you? My test starts at 7:00 a.m. when I am usually still sweeping the dreamy cobwebs out of my brain.

Ooo, finals. The F word. The method that always worked best for me was flash cards. I could go through them multiple times, and begin weeding out the items that I had memorized, so that I was always reviewing the things that needed the most work. It also helped me to say things out loud and try those (what’s the word for this?) tricks to associate hard-to-remember answers with a stupid story that I was bound to remember. But I like your idea of chocolate and orange juice. Good luck! I know you’ll ace it!

From Soul-Fusion: Are you currently working on any non-work related writing outside this blog? Will you share it with us? When is your next trip to NYC? What funny things has Max said recently? How is your garden coming along? Do you have some nice before and after or just after photos? How is your tan? (You know from working by the lake.) What is Lucy up to? Is she over the trauma the dog-sitting days? Will you ask Christian what he thinks the Jazz need to do to turn into a contender in the post-season? Have you pre-purchased your swine flu anti-virus stuff and horded it yet? Apparently NYC has run out already, could I borrow some of yours if I end up with it? What are you eating for lunch? Oh, one more, when did you say you are coming to nyc for your next visit?

OK, ready for the answers?

No, not really.
Yes, maybe.
For sure, the end of May if not sooner.
Max is really fond of a new phrase these days, “I’m so serious. I’m not even kidding.”
The front yard looks better than the back yard. No “garden” to speak of yet, though I’m pining for those as-seen-on-TV upside down tomato plants. No photos yet, maybe soon.
The tan is coming along nicely, as long as I apply it correctly as directed on the bottle.
Lucy is back to full reign on the house and seems to be over the dog-sitting trauma. We met a spirited, one-eyed dachsund on our walk last night and stopped for a visit with the owner. Lucy cowered behind my legs with a look on her face as if to say, “If you offer to dogsit, I will poop on your pillow every day for a year.”
I will ask Christian what he thinks about this, though I suspect his answer will include getting rid of Kirilenko.
No vaccines here, only Red Bull.
I know this will shock you, but I had a burrito for lunch. Two, actually. Mmmm.
End of May, if not sooner!

From Angie: If someone comes through with the 700 billion, can I have just 30,000 of it? That would change my life. And, what will you do with all of that money?

Yes, of course you can have $30,000. Although, I’d better give you $1.6 million because that equals $30,000 after taxes. As for the rest of the money, I’m going to buy my parents a home in the south of France, buy everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance. (This is an idea I got from my new favorite song.) If there’s anything leftover, I will stock up on the Swine Flu vaccine and sell them for a ridiculous profit.

From Colie: What’s your favorite way to waste time on the computer while you should be working? Any tips for how to not get caught since I work in an office with 4 co-workers?

Well, my current favorite way to keep from important work is to start a blog post about how you will answer questions in real time—it’s amazingly effective. As for your co-workers, I recommend that you supply them with a box of donuts on a weekly basis. That way, even if they catch you wasting time reading my blog, they will refuse to snitch on you because that would mean an end to the free donuts. (Just another trick I learned during my time in the mob.)

From Andrea: If you could only listen to one album, read one book, watch one movie and eat one meal for the rest of your life what would you choose?

Mmm, good one. The album I guess has to be Billy Joel’s Cold Spring Harbor because it’s the first one that comes to mind. The book is going to be Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg because it’s the only one I choose to read again and again. My movie pick is Love Actually and my one-meal-forever meal is obviously going to be bean burritos because I am pretty much doing that already.

From MiaKatia: Do you trust/allow your husband to order for you at a restaurant? Vice versa (is that how it’s spelled)? What is up with having to teach our kids how to sleep through the night? We don’t teach them to be hungry… Am I ever going to sleep again?

Yes, he could probably order for me, although I’m not sure that has ever happened. Luckily, he is right here now, so I will ask him how he would go about it. He says, “I would order you something light with salad dressing on the side, no cheese. Something grilled.” And he would be right. I only order for him when we’re having sushi. I’m a good sushi orderer.

I don’t know about the teaching kids to sleep through the night. I have blocked that period of my life out. Lalalalalala…..finding a happy place…

And yes, you will sleep again. In about four years.

From Vanessa the Scientist: If a train left Cleavland at 8:55am and you impulse bought a gorgeous Anthropologie dress at 12:37pm, at what speed would the regret hit you and at what time would you return the dress? Not that this situation has happened to me recently. Oh, and how do you afford your rock and roll lifestyle?

Your hypothetical situation sounds troubling, indeed. Buyer’s remorse hits me within about 24 hours. In fact, I’m in a habit of leaving tags on things for at least that long, just in case I decide I was an idiot to have made the purchase in the first place. I bet your dress is gorgeous, although I would recommend steering clear of any railroad tracks whilst wearing it.

Now, as for our rock-and-roll lifestyle, it is funded directly through mob ties, and by mob ties, I mean student loans. Oh wait, we can’t get student loans anymore! Booooo! Student loans are the BEST!

From Rosie: Besides Red Bull, Midol, and Gogurts, what one item should every household have on hand in case the swine flu becomes a pandemic, and hole-ing up for a while is necessary?

Well, those are the three pillars of any survival kit, but I would also recommend adding duct tape, WD-40, and a few recorded episodes of MacGuyver to your stash.

From Angel C.: How do you start a blog?

You can start a blog for free at www.blogspot.com. Just spend a few minutes deciding on a name and then wave goodbye to your common sense, your ability to manage time, and several of your household chores.

Does anyone else in your family blog?

Yes, my sister Leslie (known here as Rosie) blogs here, my older brother John blogs here, my baby brother Jesse blogs here, my little brother James has a private blog, my mom and dad have been known to blog, as well as my niece and nephew.

How do you find time to blog and do all the wonderful things you do?

By “wonderful things” do you mean “vacuuming?” Because the answer is that I frequently do not find time for vacuuming.

Do you find blogging restful?

It can be, yes. As sad as it sounds, it is a significant part of my social life/network since I work from home all alone. And I’m completely OK with how dorky that sounds.

Is it OK to lurk on blogs?

Yes! But it’s fun to come out from the shadows sometimes too.

Can I recieve a free copy of a published work by you?

Yes, you can order a free copy of the catalog I write by clicking here! In fact, you can receive several volumes per year!

Do you really have such a wonderful and cute family or is this blog a fantasy blog?

Everything you see/read here is 100% legit until I can afford to hire Heidi Klum to stand in my place in our pictures. Then, it will just be MOSTLY legit.

Do you can from your garden yearly?

Haaaahahahahahahahaha! Oh wait, you were being serious? Sorry. Um, the answer is no.

Can you tell me why these questions are so important to me as we have never met? Also, do you know a good therapist who specializes in people who live vicariously through blogs?

I do know a great therapist. I’m married to him.

From Kami: When is the next video tutorial?

When I lose 15 pounds.

What are the dates of your Utah appearance? Will there be mexican cuisine involved?

We will be coming to visit in July (sometime around the 24th), and yes, I would love to eat and gab with all y’all at Cafe Rio sometime while I’m there. Do you want to come?

Is your neighborhood really as beautiful as that post about taking a walk, or was that someone eles neighborhood? Be honest.

Cross my heart and hope to die (of something other than Swine Flu), this is my neighborhood:

And my favorite thing about it are all of these amazing structures they have out here in the east—tall and leafy and beautiful. They call them trees. I ain’t never heard of such a thing out west.

You should come and see for yourself; they’re breathtaking!

OK, lines are closed. Thanks so much for playing! I’m feeling bloggy already.