I’d like to start this post with an exercise, okay? Because this post is (drum roll, please) INTERACTIVE! (Confetti, please.)
You’ll need two pieces of paper and two pens, one red and one black. On the first paper, draw a series of intersecting lines with the black pen. Lots of them. Like, a lot a lot. Make sure none of them are straight. Now please take the second piece of paper and the red pen and scribble one continuous line all over it. Really go to town, okay? Zig-zags and spirals are encouraged. (If you would like to relegate this task to a nearby toddler, that’s fine. Although you will miss out on some of the exciting INTERACTIVENESS.) Alright, set the papers down and wait for further instruction. Good job, by the way, those really look swell.
Now to the narrative part of the post…
Today I sent Max on the bus and drove over to the local Marriott to pick up the wife of one of Ryan’s best friends and grad school classmates who is interviewing for a position out here. While Ryan and his friend spent the day in meetings and interviews, my assignment was to show the wife, we’ll call her Kim, around the area to assure her that there are grocery stores and malls and Targets and stuff out here. Which, you know, sounds pretty simple, right?
Time to get INTERACTIVE!
Please pull out the first paper with the black intersecting lines and look it over carefully. What you are looking at is an exact map of the area where we live. And it doesn’t really matter which way you hold it because north, east, south, and west do not exist here. Well, I guess technically they exist but you wouldn’t know it.
This illustration should illustrate why I don’t really know the best way to navigate the area, right? (And by “navigate the area” I mean “find my way across the street.”)
Usually this isn’t an issue because:
1) I have a GPS.
2) When Ryan and I are together, he drives while I pluck my eyebrows.
However, this actually IS an issue because:
1) My particular GPS was not developed by someone who believed creating software that was deliberate, efficient, or deliberate. Or efficient.
2) My particular GPS was developed by someone who believed in taking the scenic route. Or the stupid route. Or, occasionally, the wrong route.
Anyway, back to the story and the upcoming INTERACTION! I picked Kim up from the hotel at 1:00 and suggested we go to lunch at a nearby Mexican restaurant, only 3.2 miles away.
Okay, it’s time for more INTERACTIVITY!
Please place the second, red-penned piece of paper on top of the first paper and hold both papers up against a light so that you can see the map beneath. The red line represents my exact path from the hotel to the restaurant.
I drove over 126 miles, took seven different freeways and state roads, and had to fill my tank three times before finally reaching the restaurant a little after 2:00. I swear it was all the GPS’s fault. In fact, I swore it several times.
But being the good person that I am, I apologized to Kim over and over, taking accountability for the situation since the GPS refused to. Eventually I convinced her that she was not being held hostage and that I had not used any illegal drugs before getting behind the wheel.
Lunch was really nice. I was able to locate the salt and the restroom with incredible accuracy.
After lunch I performed my other tasks with much less drama. We visited a local mall, and I showed her several grocery stores, two Targets, a Costco and an Arby’s. Of course they were all in Florida, but Kim never needs to know.
Please take your two sheets of paper and dispose of them in a recycling bin because this post is INTERACTIVE and ENVIRONMENTALLY RESPONSIBLE!