I was wandering our flower beds this afternoon while talking to the lovely Alyssa on the phone, when I came across this little gem:
I interrupted our conversation to inform Alyssa that I was holding a two-pound mushroom in my hand. I think she was incredibly impressed.
I brought it inside for a closer look.
And then I thought it would be a good idea to take a picture of it next to an object to give you all an idea of the scale of this thing, lest you think I was using some fancy photography technique to make it look bigger. I couldn’t locate a ruler, so I grabbed this little Lego Man.
As soon as I snapped that picture I heard an alarming noise, not unlike the voracious chomp of a pregnant woman at an all-you-can-eat dessert and pickle bar. I tried to lunge toward Lego Man, but the mushroom was gulping him down. All that I could see were his little square Lego feet…
And I was like, “Mushroom! How dare you! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?! That Lego Man was an important member of the Lego community! He had a little Lego family! He had sixteen thousand little Lego children at home! His dream was to star in the new Lego Harry Potter video game!”
The mushroom let out a frightening belch and spat out Lego Man’s head, with a little plink! on the plate.
I’m sorry, I should have warned you. This post contains graphic Lego violence.
And then, from out of nowhere, a can of Cream of Mushroom Soup swooped into the kitchen! I stood back in awe…and snapped a picture.
The soup can spoke. It said in a deep, baritone, thunderous voice, “Mushroom! You are a despicable, evil mushroom. You give other mushrooms a bad name. Give yourself up now!”
And the mushroom stood defiantly and said, “Why should I listen to you?”
(Just look at that defiance!)
The soup can stood firmly on the counter, as if it were made of heavy tin and filled with a stiff soup base. He stared the mushroom straight in the stem and said, “Because. I. Am. Your. Father.”
The mushroom screamed. I screamed. The little Lego Man’s head screamed.
And then the soup can turned to me and recommended, in his incredibly masculine voice, that I probably shouldn’t have eaten the other mushrooms that were growing in the flower beds.
I think he’s probably right.
holy crappers. “what the?” is right!
“… Because. I. Am. Your. Father.”
Priceless!
That’s one ginormous mushroom.
Mmmm, mushroom burgers for dinner!
Wowza! Very funny & holy huge mushroom, batman!
This might be the funniest thing I have ever read.
LOL, rolling right now, so funny.
I have those same plates! Used them since my wedding circa 1997. Funny!
I LOVE reading your posts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was very disturbing. Even more disturbing was when I heard a strange noise, and looked down by my keyboard to see three cans of Cream of Mushroom soup also reading your post. Two of them are cheering wildly, and one is weeping unabashedly.
wow! You were not kidding about that mushroom!
And this was hilarious . . . although I think I advised you NOT to eat any of the mushrooms from the flowerbeds.
AWESOME! I always suspected that the giant mushroom race had it in for the tiny Lego guys, but I could never prove it until now! Thanks for this! (I was also thankful for your post on my Thankful Thursday post.)
Holy Fungi, Batman, grab the Lotrimin and fast!
This just confirms what I have suspected for weeks now. A secret colony of aliens has transported us to the Northwest. We will no longer enjoy our warm high-desert plateau summer. We will now slog through 300 days of rain. And the mushroom is the proof.
Tiff you crack me up. I was laughing so hard just now!!!!
Thanks for that. It was just what I needed today
Great blog! I came over from Tib’s request! I love the direction you took the story with the mushroom! Too funny!
At least Mr. Lego went out bravely. I am so proud of you Mr. Lego, I’m sure your family is too.
So funny Tiffany!
It just makes my day to ready a super funny, creative post like that. It also makes my mouth water to see a mushroom that big. I’m warming up my foccacia and provalone right now.
You are funny, the mushroom is gross.
Wow. I bow down to your humor and writing skills. That is definitely in the top 4 funniest things I have read in the last week. I totally loved it!
Bree H
(Kami B’s sister in law)