the would-be writers guild

Call it narcissistic if you will, but I often imagine my life as a sitcom. I mean, it’s hard not to—I’ve got adorable kids who say funny things and my goofy neighbors puke on my lawn and have chickens, for crying out loud! The only thing missing is the laugh track.

So, in the spirit of all the shows wrapping up for the summer, here is the riveting, highly-dramatic trailer for my Season 11 finale:

{Black screen.}
Movie Man Voice Over: It’s finally here. The sign is in the yard; the boxes are being packed. We never really believed it would come to this.

{Video clip of my mom and me on the phone.}
Mom: So, I don’t understand—you’re moving away?
Tiffany: Um. Yes. We sort of already talked about this. Yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. And sort of for the last eight years before that.

{Video clip of Tiffany threatening the dog after finding a chewed hole in the couch.}
Movie Man Voice Over: We’ve laughed.
(HEY, wait a minute! That wasn’t funny!)

{Video clip of Ryan pulling his hair out while writing his dissertation.}
Movie Man Voice Over: We’ve cried.
Ryan Voice Over: I just want be the manager at Blockbuster and decide whether or not we should switch the Family Movies aisle with the Action Movies aisle.

{Video clip of Ryan negotiating his offer with UD.}
Movie Man Voice Over: After eleven billion years of graduate school, the future is finally decided. But before they go…

{Video clip of our house.}
Movie Man: Will the house sell?

{Video clip of Tiffany promising Max that his new house will have a swing set.}
Movie Man: Will promises be kept?

{Video clip of Christian standing alone in a driveway holding a basketball and looking forlorn.}
Movie Man: Will new friends be found?

{Video clip of Lucy pooping on the carpet.}
Movie Man: Will the dog be allowed to remain alive?

{Video clip of Tiffany and the kids at Target.}
Movie Man: Will they be able to cope without a Target nearby?

{Video clip of Tiffany setting fire to all the crap in the basement}
Movie Man: Will the Home Office Manager finally call it quits?
Tiffany Voice Over: It’s like a little weight is lifted with every engulfing flame…

{Video clip of the moving company.}
Movie Man: There’s only one way to find out.

{Black screen.}
Movie Man: You’ll have to watch and see.

{Fade out to lame local RC Willey commercial claiming that they are having THE! BIGGEST! SALE! OF! THE! YEAR! (AGAIN!).}