Max: Apologizes with amazing sincerity.
Christian: Earns money to buy college football fight songs on iTunes.
Ryan: Gropes me like he always wanted to as a teenager.
Mom: Knows stuff about antioxidants.
Dad: Gets excited about tools.
Alison: Wants to weigh the same as Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Lucy: Thinks I’m the best cook in the world.
Liz: Calls pounds “lubs.”
Alyssa: Jaywalks like it’s an Olympic sport.
Emily: Doesn’t like to hug.
Jesse: Says funny things under his breath.
Natalie: Painted her kitchen red.
James: Saved his money to ride a camel.
DeDe: Let Lucy pee on her foot.
DeAnn: Admires her own fingernails.
John: Rides the bus.
Janet: Has delicate ankles.
Shannon: Would become a Billy Collins groupie with me if I asked.
Katie: Offered to give up celebrity gossip shows in exchange for a miracle.
Kate: Has chickens…on purpose…and likes them.
Josh: Would tattoo “BYU” across his forehead if permitted.
Val: Talks like a muppet.
Heidi: Always has good candy in her purse.
Other Heidi: Used her dazzling good looks to get my driveway shoveled.
Leslie: Is afraid to order pizza.
Annie: Brought her own treats to WBWG.
Rhonda: Brought a 30-year-old can of peaches to my house for Show & Tell.
Jim: Calls himself “The Voice of Reason.”
Maurine: Knows all the good gossip.
April: Didn’t kill me when I stole her socks.
Mrs. Smith: Wants new cars every few years.
Mr. Smith: Said he was a “clubber” when we were all in Boston.
Louise Plummer: Made a comment on my blog!
Angie: Hates morning people.
Kathy: Keeps crazy, messed-up friends to feel more sane.
My writing buddies: Make mind-blowing potluck.
My readers: Have never discriminated against me for having a toenail fungus.
Don’t forget—this list is incomplete. If you’re not on here, it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because you haven’t sent me any cash or lavish gifts recently like the other people on the list!