I definitely don’t want to know in advance when I am going to die. This is something I have found out about myself over the last seven days. It would not be good for me or anybody around me. I’ll be a giant goober and not much fun at all. Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that I’ll just be hit by a bus. When I’m 104. Don’t forget that last part.
I have just spent my last Christmas in Utah. Gulp. I wish I hadn’t known it would be my last. I wouldn’t have sat so quietly during all the parties and festivities holding back tears and listening to everybody talk and laugh, knowing that in years to come we’ll only be in partial attendance at best. This is totally, undeniably the WORST time of year to make the decision to move away from “home.”
It’s not that I don’t want to go. Actually—and much to my own surprise—I feel amazingly calm and equally excited about our end-of-summer move. I think it’s going to be great. I’m thrilled for Ryan. I’m excited to discover a new place and find all the great spots to have a picnic, figure out which bakery bakes the best bread, and where to pick up unique gifts. I’m excited to learn new gossip in a new neighborhood, and lie in bed in August with the windows open and learn the sounds of summer there.
But, I also know that there will be many days when I will be loading the dishwasher or working on a new catalog and I will suddenly miss my family and friends with an ache that can’t be remedied with a phone call or e-mail. Which is why I’m going to start using hard drugs now so that I will know what I’m doing then to adequately dull the pain.
I kid, I kid.
I’ve actually turned to vacuuming and home organization to cope. I realized today that because I feel like my life is somewhat out of control right now, I am attempting to control what I can. So, I gave my closet an Extreme Organizational Makeover yesterday. I sorted, discarded, and/or neatly arranged each article of clothing. Today I tore apart Christian’s room, assembled three new bookshelves, bought new bedding, and dusted every nook and cranny. I also cleaned and reorganized the laundry room. Tomorrow? I’m planning to alphabetize my pantry, then disinfect and polish my smoke alarms.
I am grateful that I will be getting a clean house out of this emotional roller coaster ride, but I’m really wishing I could have just come down with a good, old-fashioned eating disorder.
I kid, I kid.