I know we weren’t scheduled for a meeting today and that you all have other tasks to work on, so I’ll be brief. I would like to address a matter that is bothering me and taking away from the otherwise pleasant workplace we all enjoy.
I have made an addendum to the employee handbook and wanted to make you all aware. Please note under heading XIV, subsection 233d the following addition:
LEAVE THE DAMN DOG ALONE! THE DOG IS NOT YOUR TOY. THE DOG IS NOT MADE OUT OF PLASTIC. THE DOG DOES NOT WANT YOU TO CHASE HER, CARRY HER, BOUNCE HER, SQUASH HER, OR SMOTHER HER. SHE DOES NOT WANT THINGS POKED IN HER EARS. SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU TO PRY HER EYES OPEN WHEN SHE IS SLEEPING. THE DOG CANNOT TRANSPORT YOU TO THE CAFETERIA BY PIGGY BACK. THE DOG IS NOT AUTHORIZED TO BATHE IN THE WASHING MACHINE OR THE TOILET. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE SHOULD THE DOG EVER BE FED M&Ms OR CANNED CHILI. NON-COMPLIANCE TO THIS MATTER WILL RESULT IN DISCIPLINARY ACTION AND POSSIBLE TERMINATION.
Now that this has been added to the official handbook, I hope you’ll understand the extent of my concern. I know I’ve given you the impression that I am a softy when it comes to corporate discipline, but I beg you not to test me on this. Your insubordination will not be tolerated. I have an eBay account and very good seller feedback.
Thank you and have a good afternoon.