I go through these phases in my life I lovingly call The Cycle of Knowledge. In a nutshell, I go from believing I know everything to realizing that I know nothing. At thirteen, I knew everything. At fourteen, I knew nothing. At twenty-two, I was back to knowing everything. Twenty-six? Zip. Nada. Twenty-eight? Partially figured out The Meaning of Life. Thirty? Barely able to tie my shoes.
I don’t know what’s brought on my recent funk. If I had to take a guess, I’d say it has to do with the overwhelming amount of work I’ve been doing in addition to the overwhelming responsibility of being a mother. As I was packing for the trip we’re on right now, I was watching Her Majesty, The Oprah, doing a show on working mothers. She and her panel, including the lovely Elizabeth Vargas, were trying to answer the question, “Can you really have it all?” The funny thing is, I couldn’t watch the entire program because I was busy packing suitcases for me and the boys (Ryan took care of himself), loading the washer and dryer, checking e-mail, finishing some of my editing jobs, and heating a plate of leftover lasagna for Max.
Since Oprah forgot to call and ask my opinion, I guess I’ll use my little soapbox and occasionally captive audience to weigh in. The answer is—I don’t know. I have no idea. Some days everything comes together. The kids are well-fed and attended to, my work is done, the house is picked up, the fridge is stocked, my clothes coordinate, and I have a pleasant chat with cartoon forest creatures right before my gorgeous husband walks in the door with fresh flowers. And then there are the other days. Those are the days when I’m still in pajamas at 2:00 p.m., re-writing the same three lines, snapping at my kids who’ve eaten nothing but Cheetos and GoGurts, counting down the minutes until my equally stressed-out spouse walks in the door late in the evening and trips over the gallon of milk sitting on the kitchen floor. Usually, life for me falls in a comfortable space between the two extremes, with the scales only tipping out of balance occasionally. That’s life. Mine at least.
I love my life. I really do, and I chose it the way it is. I chose to be a working mom. For me, for my family, for our circumstances, it was a no-brainer. I have never agonized over this decision. I worked. I work. Has there been a price to pay? I’m sure. Have my children suffered? Most likely, in some way. (Although, they were blessed to spend amazing time with their grandmothers.) Are there children who suffer with their stay-at-home moms? You betcha. Just ask Emily Dickinson. (Actually, I have no idea what I’m talking about here. Mrs. Dickinson may have been an amazing mother.)
I feel fiercely loyal to and protective of working moms. I feel an instant connection with them. Perhaps it is because I live in The Land of Stay at Home Moms, and I have had to sit through WAY too many church meetings in which we are subjected to people taking an absolute stand on the subject of 101 Ways Working Mothers Are Ruining Society. I am usually sitting in the back, staring at the floor, doing my best to remember that we all have different circumstances that give us different perspectives. We’re all victim to our own experience.
I know what you’re thinking—why don’t I ever speak up and share my point of view? Well, because. Partly, I’m a wimp who avoids confrontation, but mostly it’s because moms who talk about staying home seem to be so sure. And me, well, I’m not totally sure. I’m cautiously optimistic. I’m so busy trying to manage my own life, I don’t have time to worry about whether or not I’m right and they’re wrong. Or vice versa. And even more so, I don’t think life has ever worked that way, that what’s right for me will be right for you and Suzy and Jane. My gosh, there aren’t enough GoGurts in the world for another household like mine. What I know is that each night when I tuck my kids in bed, no matter what kind of day it’s been, I am hopelessly devoted to them. I know that. They know that. That’s what I’m sure about.
So, that’s it. I don’t know anything. I make choices in my own life and I live with them. I used to think there was always a right and wrong to every question. (You know, back when I knew everything.) Now I know that those are the few and far between questions. Like, “Should I stab a fork through the eye of that twenty-something young man standing in the chapel telling me and a congregation of women how to be good mothers?” See? That’s easy—the answer is no. I should wait until he’s done, then sneak up from behind, club him over the head, and dump his limp body into the river.
But all the other questions—the ones that aren’t so simple—those are the ones you and I will have to figure out for ourselves.
I am totally with you on the knowing everything/knowing nothing roller-coaster of life. The ONE thing I am sure of is that EVERYBODY’S circumstances are unique and that I am in no position to judge . . . EVER.
You are a fabulous mom!! My kids should be so lucky to have you for a mom.
uh, ditto, ditto, ditto and ditto.
strange that i have so much in common with my creepy internet friend.
after so much guilt over being a working mom i finally decided, i’m not buying into all the perfect mom crap. i do my best, that’s enough. end of story.
I happened upon your blog through someone else’s (Autumn) but have to say I enjoyed this post. I understand how you feel – I am actually a stay-at-home and work-at-home mom. I find the hardest part of that is finding a balance between both in a way that I feel confident that my children are cared for and “nurtured” while still accomplishing my work responsibilities (being efficient in them is always a bonus).
I’m pretty sure we belong to the same church and it’s important to remember that the church is perfect, the people are not. As you said, everyone has different needs and circumstances. You have to do what is right for you.
I have a sister that I talk about this with. Our circumstances are different and if one of us needs to work, it would be her. However, after much prayer, she and her husband decided that they would make the necessary sacrifices so that she wouldn’t have to work. I, on the other hand, don’t “have” to work but an opportunity came along which allows me to work from home and after prayer, I felt that it was the right thing to do. Sometimes when I wonder or doubt, I just think back to that answer and remember that for me, I know this is the right thing.
Just last night Janet and Heidi and I were talking about “life lessons.” And I made a comment that almost surprised myself. I said, “You know, I don’t even expect anyone to try to understand what it’s like to raise a child like Matt.”
The point being that life’s experiences are so unique. Expecting someone to understand–or worse, getting angry at someone who doesn’t understand–is pointless. Even someone raising a child with challenges like Matt’s is going to have a different perspective. Imagination can get you part of the way. But in the end, we are each individuals, our experiences and perspectives are unique.
In the end, everyone is just trying to be happy. And it is (as Les already said) never our place to judge what kind of a job someone else is doing.
Though, I am far from perfect in this regard myself. But I am trying.
what a beautiful, honest post Tiff. The longer I work in my career the more I wonder what choice I should make if (or maybe when) I am faced with the decision to be a working mom or a stay-at-home mom. Women like you inspire me. I don’t think anyone can “have it all” – neither can men. Everyone must make sacrifices in life and no one is in a position to judge you for yours.
This past weekend I talked with my brother and sister-in-law (who are expecting their first child) a lot about the judgments others make about your decisions. My personal feeling is the people who choose to tell you what you can and cannot do or what you should be doing are not happy with their own life choices.
As long as your children are loved and well-cared for (and yours definitely are!) then how you do that is between you and your husband. Randoms from the ward do not factor into that equation. Ever.
Great post. I would say 95% of my best friends are working moms, and I can’t imagine being better friends with greater people. Nothing truly annoys me more then when some man tries to tell moms what they should and should not do. I also hate how eager some women are to judge each other.
tiffany,
i am a friend of emily’s and i really enjoy quietly stalking your blog. i am a stay-at-home-mama. i am so sorry that you have felt alienated by people at church because you work. i can tell you that i in no way have it all together. sure, i probably have a little more time, but that does not make me a better mom, in any way, shape or form. we all do the best we can, and anyone saying that by staying at home is the only way to do it “perfectly” is totally missing the point. i am so grateful that i am able to stay home (although i have no marketable skills whatsoever, so it doesn’t really matter), but i also totally applaud women that are making our workforce a better place. only you know what is best for you and your family. and i can tell that you are a great mom. i am the youngest of six kids. my mom stayed at home, but i practically raised myself. a little inattention from mom only makes kids more independent and resourceful.
best wishes,
alison
Thank you, everyone! I really appreciate everything you’ve had to say. And to you new comment makers—welcome! I hope to hear more from you!