Dear Chickens,
It is clear that you have chosen to ignore my previous requests, both verbal and written. By your actions, it is obvious that you have no intention of respecting my property, the laws which govern our city, nor The Golden Rule. Time and again you send a clear message: that you and I are fighting for occupation of the yard surrounding my house. I don’t know why the territory around your coop isn’t enough for you and all of your digging, pecking, and clucking, but that’s really of little interest anymore. Crap on my porch once, shame on you. Dig in my flower beds twice, shame on me. I will not be convinced anymore that you are ignorant of your actions, or that your owners are the ones to blame. I can see the truth in your beady little eyes. You want my yard. I understand that finally, and that is why I am responding with this final attempt at diplomacy.
You see, I don’t think you realize the extent of my concern. I may look harmless. You may look at my peaceful way of life and assume that I am a pacifist, but I am not above fighting for my rights. I pay for my land by the sweat of my brow so that my children may thrive and grow in well-maintained landscaping. Your invasion threatens that which I hold dear and I warn you now, chickens, that hell hath no fury like a neighbor pissed off.
I also believe that you underestimate the breadth of my resources. I maintain an ample supply of steak knives, wasabi peas, and tall gym socks with a bar of soap in the toe. I also harbor a Dyson vacuum and an extra-long extension cord. I am not afraid to use any or all of these measures if an agreement cannot be met. I will defend my yard and my family, of that you can be sure; and I believe that you deserve to know the force you are reckoning with.
So I leave you with an ultimatum: cease your occupation of my yard or suffer the consequences. One more offense and you will be subjected to a retaliation so brutal, it will cause you to quiver in the very depths of your nuggets. You will beg for Colonel Sanders himself to rescue you from the agonies that will befall you if I engage in this conflict. I hope that you will recognize this offer as the gift that it is, and choose a peaceful life on the other side of the fence.
Cautiously optimistic at your compliance, I remain your neighbor in peace.
Sincerely,
Tiffany
