Dear Chickens,
It is clear that you have chosen to ignore my previous requests, both verbal and written. By your actions, it is obvious that you have no intention of respecting my property, the laws which govern our city, nor The Golden Rule. Time and again you send a clear message: that you and I are fighting for occupation of the yard surrounding my house. I don’t know why the territory around your coop isn’t enough for you and all of your digging, pecking, and clucking, but that’s really of little interest anymore. Crap on my porch once, shame on you. Dig in my flower beds twice, shame on me. I will not be convinced anymore that you are ignorant of your actions, or that your owners are the ones to blame. I can see the truth in your beady little eyes. You want my yard. I understand that finally, and that is why I am responding with this final attempt at diplomacy.
You see, I don’t think you realize the extent of my concern. I may look harmless. You may look at my peaceful way of life and assume that I am a pacifist, but I am not above fighting for my rights. I pay for my land by the sweat of my brow so that my children may thrive and grow in well-maintained landscaping. Your invasion threatens that which I hold dear and I warn you now, chickens, that hell hath no fury like a neighbor pissed off.
I also believe that you underestimate the breadth of my resources. I maintain an ample supply of steak knives, wasabi peas, and tall gym socks with a bar of soap in the toe. I also harbor a Dyson vacuum and an extra-long extension cord. I am not afraid to use any or all of these measures if an agreement cannot be met. I will defend my yard and my family, of that you can be sure; and I believe that you deserve to know the force you are reckoning with.
So I leave you with an ultimatum: cease your occupation of my yard or suffer the consequences. One more offense and you will be subjected to a retaliation so brutal, it will cause you to quiver in the very depths of your nuggets. You will beg for Colonel Sanders himself to rescue you from the agonies that will befall you if I engage in this conflict. I hope that you will recognize this offer as the gift that it is, and choose a peaceful life on the other side of the fence.
Cautiously optimistic at your compliance, I remain your neighbor in peace.
Sincerely,
Tiffany
I explained your situation to our resident soldier (Ben) who suggested that you try to “shoo them away”. I assured him that you had tried that approach. Then he suggested that you put up a scarecrow. I said that I didn’t think you wanted a scarecrow in your yard. I asked if he had any more suggestions because you really just wanted to kill and eat them. He got very excited and thinks that is a great idea.
I also relayed your problem to someone I work with who is feuding with her neighbors over the removal of survey stakes (cost $500 to get the survey done and the stakes properly placed), some trees and a fence. She is considering using pink flamingos to mark her yard boundaries, maybe those would work for your situation as well. Just randomly place the pink flamingos in your neighbor’s yard at different locations. Make sure you dig the stake part in really deep then leave pink jelly beans on their porch as the “droppings”.
We had a problem with the neighbor to our church garden. He had many chickens and refused to keep them lock up or at least on his property. We spent time almost every sunday discussing the problem with no solution coming forward, so I went to the city and asked for a copy of the laws governing the containment of chickens. I had her make two copies. One copy I put in the neighbors mail box and the other I took to church and read it in our leadership meeting so everybody understood the law governing chickens and their containment. Believe it or not that ended the problem. The neighbor understood the message and what the law was and contained them and we were able to discuss the things about helping the people in our area instead of chickens in our leadership meetings.
screw the peace talks, what if they are harboring WMD? what if osama is hiding out making training videos in the coop!
destroy.
Tiffany, one word that would resolve this matter in a split second…DOG!!!!!! Mabey they have a rental somewhere on the internet. Val says “That’s not funny!) Mabey if Ryan and Val did their “Roslyn at the knee doctor” routine out in your yard it would really scare them away!
Tiff! I have the perfect solution. Read this:
http://www.thepioneerwomancooks.com/the_pioneer_woman_cooks/2007/06/marlboro_mans_s.html
Tiffany, if you just place Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets strategically around your yard, they won’t bother you anymore…. however, if your kids want to practice Tennis, you would be very surprised to learn that with the correct grip, and follow thru, you can top spin a chicken without a lot of effort…. Todd
Time to get a family BB-Gun and have a great family home evening lesson on aiming.
Or get those restraining collars that shock dogs when they cross the buried wire and put them around the chickens body Of course, you’ll just have to bury the wire around your yard. I wonder if a chicken will eject an egg when shocked.