Dear Ask a Psychologist’s Wife,
Last night I had two very vivid and slightly disturbing dreams. In the first dream, my husband and I were swimming in crocodile-infested waters. In the second, I was massaging Dick Cheney’s shoulders while he sat in an important meeting. I’m not sure which is more disturbing. I am not a good swimmer, and I am terrified of crocodiles. Also, I have never considered myself politically aware, and have never felt particularly close to Dick Cheney. I am, however, a massage therapist. I hope I have given you enough information to accurately interpret my dreams.
Dear Disturbing Dreamer,
While these dreams are confusing to the lay person, it’s quite clear to someone like me who has proofed a lot of psychological papers, that your first dream involving the crocodile swim party is a representation of trying to shop with your husband during this busy holiday season. It can be stressful. It can be scary. And if you’re trying to find an Elmo TMX, you’d be wise to fear a toothy bite on the ankle from a fellow shopper. My advice is to shop online.
In my opinion, your second dream is the one that has me truly alarmed. Dick Cheney is a powerful and dangerous figure. (He shoots his friends.) I don’t know what to say to you about this steamy little dream of yours other than YOU’RE MARRIED AND HE IS TOO! I know he’s quite a hearthrob, but you need to acknowledge and then forsake this unconcious crush you have on the Vice President. NOW! Sheesh.