Scientists at the National Math Institute have issued a press release today stating that they have spent the last three years calculating the number of shows left in Oprah’s current contract, divided by the square root of the Earth’s population, times pi, minus the circumference of a Pontiac G6, leading them to one incredible finding: Eventually, we’re all going to end up on Oprah.
It’s only a matter of time, they say, before each of us will find ourselves on Ms. Winfrey’s banana cream pie-colored couch jumping up and down, bawling uncontrollably, or receiving free merchandise. The X-factor, of course, will be the individual will of each person to determine which it will be for him/herself.
“This is going to have a global impact,” said senior researcher Maria Valdez. “It will be the proverbial carrot dangling in front of the collective universe. Are you going to be good and reach your goals and appear on the ‘Dreams Come True’ episode, or are you going to grab that carrot and bludgeon your neighbor with it and appear on the ‘Murderers Next Door’ episode?”
Clergy across the globe have mixed feelings regarding the startling news. In an interview with CNN, Archbishop Reynaldo St. Clair expressed his ambivalence. “On the one hand, it gives people an immediate incentive for living a good life. I mean, we all want to receive a free Burberry coat or living room makeover, right? But, I think there’s going to be a growing concern within church leadership worldwide that people will be doing the right things for the wrong reasons.”
Several high schools in North America, as well as three in Greenland, have already begun to restructure curriculum in light of the news. Humanities and Social Studies courses are going to be replaced with new courses in Oprahology, the study of making the most of your time with Oprah.
“These slouchy kids wandering our halls are the future Dr. Phils and Nate Berkuses,” said vice principal Everett Hawthorn of East Ridge High School in North Dakota, “and when you look at them with that potential, it really changes how you see them. Of course, some of them will be the homeless junkies she rescues from under the viaduct, but either way, it’s still a chance to touch Oprah again and again and again, and I can’t think of a more rewarding career.”
No doubt that such news will have a ripple-effect across the entire globe. Though Kofi Anon was not readily available for comment, it’s reported that he has already called a special meeting of the UN Security Council with a memo entitled, ”Weekly gin game to be rescheduled in light of Oprah news.”
What this means for various people such as Osama Bin Laden, Bobby Fischer, and that mean guy at the end of your street who won’t talk to anybody, only time will tell. In the mean time, it’s not too soon for each of us, man, woman, and child to start thinking about what our contribution to the Oprah show will be, and what personal hairstyle will compliment that most.