It seems to hit most of us at one time or other between the months of June and August, but don’t let your summer cold get you down. Here are some simple suggestions to combat your summer sniffles:
- When you feel the first tickle in your throat, have your neighbor light half of his backyard on fire and direct the smoke at your house. Soon, you will be inhaling smokey air which will give you the sensation in your throat that you are swallowing shards of broken glass. Mmmmmmmm.
- Next, volunteer to go into work extra early because the last thing you need right now is sleep.
- When you walk through the door at the end of the day, collapse on the first couch or bed you encounter. DO NOT MOVE. If you have children, however, toss them some hot dogs and cold cereal before you collapse and maybe even a pair of scissors to run with and a box of matches. After all, you are still their primary caregiver.
- Buy all of your cold medicine at gas stations because it costs a lot more, and you know what they say: You get what you pay for.
- Feel free to skip meals when you don’t feel like eating. Your body doesn’t need extra nutrients at this time, it’s too busy fighting your cold.
- Once you feel hungry again, eat everything you can possibly get your hands on. DO NOT STOP EATING. Scour the cupboards, the fridge, the freezer, and order out if needed. Even if you’d rather have a cup of soup, eat that bag of Cheetos anyway. And a tub of mayonaise.
- Do not try to read your new Oprah magazine during your cold. Everthing in it will seem terribly confusing and the words are so tiny, and what the crap does Dr. Phil know anyway?
- When you gather some energy, go to Target and wander the aisles and randomly grab things and toss them into your cart. Since Target is a wellspring of joy, this should make you feel much better, even though you don’t really need any of it and can’t really afford it. You’ll need something to worry about once the cold passes and a negative bank balance can be just the thing to get your adrenaline back up to normal levels.
- Don’t feel embarrassed when you wake up and find crusted snot around your nose and dried drool down your chin. This is not as unattractive as you think. Your swollen eyes and sweaty, matted hair are MUCH more visually disturbing.
- Most importantly, do your best to contain your germs. No kissing, no sharing straws or bath towels. However, don’t be too particular about the little things. It’s still okay to lick all of the silverware as you unload the dishwasher to keep that “spit shine” glow.
I hope these tips help you and your loved ones this season. Remember—it’s not about what you’ve got, it’s about how you deal with what you’ve got! (Chew on that, Dr. Phil!)
