This is America, people. We don’t get bullied. We don’t overpay for things. (Except bottled water. And cable TV. And designer jeans. And coffee. But that’s not the point. Gas is yucky and should therefore be cheap.) It’s time to unite and take a stand against the big oil companies. Here are a few ways to drive down gas prices:
- On your lunch hour, locate a large, expensive vehicle in your company parking lot. Siphon gas from the tank and pour it in yours. Trust me, they are not going to notice. (Don’t forget to wash your hands afterward.)
- Call in sick to work one day every week.
- Stop buying oil from the Middle East and start buying it from Taiwan. Those little Taiwanese sweatshop kids can make everything cheaper.
- Make big scratches on your neighbor’s giant SUV. It’s hard to explain all the intricacies with this theory, but it will help. It will also make you feel better about all of their dog’s poo in your yard.
- Add a can of refried beans to every new tank of gas. This is simple physics. (Don’t add two. I learned this the hard way.)
- Walk to nearby places instead of driving. Unless you’re late. Or tired. Or it’s cold outside. Or you have to carry anything.
- Put the kids to work digging holes in the backyard to find oil.
- Mow the lawn by hand with a pair of scissors. Well, whatever’s left of the lawn after all the digging.
- Stop using gas to burn up stolen cars and dead thugs.
- If you don’t have oars for your boat, it’s time to get some. Waterskiing is going to be difficult, but don’t underestimate the joy of slowly being dragged behind a boat.
- NO MORE MONSTER TRUCK SHOWS. PERIOD. FOREVER. I don’t care if gas drops to $1.15 a gallon, I’m not backing down on this one.
- If you pass a city bus with only one person on it, break out your siphon again. After all, you helped pay for it. Or, I guess you could ride the bus, but eewwww.
- Use hamsters and wheels to power small appliances.
I’ll have to end the list here. I just looked out the window, and there’s an Cadillac Escalade parked next to my car. Sweet!