Things aren’t working out the way I had planned. I like planning things and then fulfilling the plan, and then sitting back afterwards and reminiscing, “Boy, what a good plan!”
My plan was to work at my current job until Ryan was done with school. It has been a good job and one that I have liked until fairly recently. But, things change. People change. And some people don’t. It could be coincidental that I have watched a lot of Mary Poppins lately, but I can feel the winds of change blowing me out of my comfort zone.
What I have in my chest is a large, tangled knot of anxiety, self-inspection, grief, excitement, fear, disappointment, responsibility, and hope. Sending out resumes and emails, making phone calls, virtually trying to sell myself and my abilities is not even in the zip code of my comfort zone.
All of these experiences are also calling up ghosts from my past. My adolescence was traumatic, a time when I had to work each day to muster courage, seek courage, sometimes invent courage. What I am trying to do now is pay less attention to those inadequacies I knew then and draw on the strength I found in myself during that same time. It was then I discovered that I liked myself. I liked who I was. I knew I was a good person.
So, here I am. Vulnerable. Anxiety-ridden. Terrified and excited for what the future holds. And busily making a new plan.
