Babies are not like puppies. I know they are the hottest commodity in Hollywood these days, but dirty little third-world orphan babies will eventually go out of style, just like UGG boots. While I know you have enough money to pay for the therapy that a trophy child may require, I think the timing here is a little off. Just in case you haven’t seen any of the magazines at the grocery store, you are in the middle of a divorce (from Nick Lachey).
I’ve always suspected that you are not as dumb as you portray yourself to be, but just in case you are, I’ve prepared the following list of things to consider using only mono-syllabic words (that means short words) before you go running off to adopt little Evangelista from the Santa Lucia Lady of our Lord Orphans for Publicity Seeking Celebrities:
- Small kids poop A LOT. All day.
- Small kids don’t sleep when you want them to sleep.
- Small kids throw up on nice clothes.
- Small kids can’t stay home when you go shop.
- Small kids need help in bath.
- Small kids can’t drive car to pick up lip gloss for you.
- Small kids can’t make their own food.
- Small kids throw up on nice floors.
- Small kids throw up in nice cars.
- Small kids cry and cry and cry and cry and cry. Then cry more.
- Small kids scream.
- Small kids scream in the mall.
- Small kids kick hard.
- Small kids stick things in small holes.
- Small kids want to know, “Why?”
- Small kids eat dirt and bugs.
- Small kids get big.
- Small kids get big and yell at you and say, “Why you bring me to big house and wreck my life?”
If you found yourself saying, “Are you serious?” at any point during this post, then it is time to reconsider this decision. Now, being the good friend that I am, I will not turn you away without an alternative. In fact, I have a suggestion that might be exactly what you’re looking for: My husband, Ryan, happens to be an orphan. You are welcome to adopt him. He will not require the 24 hour care of a newborn, will not interfere with your social life or work schedule, will happily let you push him in a stroller from time to time for photo ops, and will get you very nice Mother’s Day presents each year. He will expect very little from you, other than unlimited use of your black American Express card. Think about it, you can enjoy all of the delights of motherhood, without all the poop and spit-up.
You don’t have to decide today, of course. This is a big decision and you should take your time. But, I should let you know–Brad and Angelina have already been by this week to take a look at him, and they acted pretty interested…
