…about my night, because I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about how I hauled up to the Delta Center at 4:30 with Max in tow to meet up with Ryan and Christian for the unveiling of the Karl Malone golden idol. We got there at about 4:35 and this is what we saw: the back of A LOT of people’s heads. People we don’t know. Thousands of people we don’t know, and by the way, most of them could use a new style.
This is what we heard for a half hour: “Mrrrfffff Mrbmrmblm mrlnmg nlmrbbbbllnn nnnllmmmggg ngn nmmlllrr mmmrrr nmn mmrnl nnnbbbll,” because all the news helicopters were hovering overhead to give the good folks at home the areal view of thousands of people they don’t know.
Then, before Karl Malone was even done saying, “Mmrrff ffffbbbllll mmrlnlgg nnbbblllppp,” the herd of people we don’t know started lining up at the Delta Center doors because (brace yourself) THEY WERE GOING TO GIVE AWAY KARL MALONE STATUES TO THE FIRST FIVE THOUSAND PEOPLE THROUGH THE DOOR. So, Ryan and Christian join the herd in the front of the line and I try to keep Max happy in his stoller. I don’t even want to talk about how hard this is, so please don’t ask. I quickly gave up on the happiness of him in the stroller and focused on keeping him in it, which resulted in him crying out as if I had taken the stroller and rolled it over his wriggling body 58 times. Which I considered. After about 15 minutes of this, I finally told Ryan I was going to take Max and bail. I headed to Gateway while Ryan, Christian, and the herd of people kept waiting at the door for the glorious statues.
I walked around Gateway for a few minutes with Max who was still moaning, because the only thing he hates more than sitting in his stroller is having the family separated from each other without getting his approval first.
Then Alison called to say that she and Bryant had arrived at the mall. Our plan was to eat all together before they and Ryan and Christian went to the game. We finally decided on Z Tejas because there was no wait to get in. Ryan and Christian were still waiting outside the Delta Center doors, because in case you’ve forgotten, they were giving away Karl Malone statues to the first five thousand people through the door.
So, Alison, Bryant, Max, and I got seated at roughly 5:50 p.m.. Well, Alison and Bryant got seated, but Max who does not like to sit in strollers or be separated from any family members, also prefers not to sit in high chairs. I’m guessing this does not surprise you. So, I tried bending the Incredible Unbendable Child into the high chair, but, alas, I was no match for the Incredible Unbendable Child and could not make his straight little legs bend to fit into the high chair. Without breaking them. Which I considered.
The waitress came around and got our drink orders and I called Ryan to see what he wanted me to order for him. By this time, he had entered the Delta Center and received the magnanimous statue, but could not leave the Delta Center yet because it is impossible to send two people out the door when twelve thousand people are pushing their way into the door, trying to get their grubs on a stinking free Karl Malone statue.
At roughly 6:07 we placed our order with the waitress, for all six of us, and let her know that we were in a hurry, because they were going to the game. Don’t even ask about what Max was doing at this point, because I don’t want to tell you that he was climbing in and out of the non-high-chair, which was exactly why I wanted him in a high-chair to begin with.
Ryan and Christian finally made it out of the Delta Center and into the restaurant by about 6:20. We were expecting our food any second, but we should have known better, because this is OUR LIFE and things never seem to work out as simple as ordering food and having it arrive.
At 6:50, we left the restaurant BECAUSE THEY NEVER BROUGHT OUR FOOD TO THE TABLE. Apparently, there was some “mix-up” with the computer system. They were very sorry, and as we walked out the door, a brawny Mexican carried the tray of our food to the empty table. We left on principle and on time to see the tip-off, because we are principled people. Hungry, but principled. Hungry and in our seats before tip-off, but principled
At 7:07, I was driving home with Max, not having eaten and not having a good time. I briefly stopped by the side of the freeway, set Max on the roof of the car with a cardboard sign that said, “Free Brat” and one on myself that said, “Will do anything for food”, but everybody was on their way to the Delta Center to try and get their damn statue and couldn’t stop, though I did get a few honks as they passed.
Don’t even ask what I finally had for dinner at 7:48, because you’ll just feel bad that I ate Western Family Macaroni and Cheese out of the sauce pan with a tiny fork. And, please, for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t ask how stupid the statue turned out to be, because I don’t want to explain the way that it looks more like Gary Coleman in an old tiny-white-shorts uniform than The Mailman.
P.S. Don’t even ask what Max just did in his pants while I was typing this because there aren’t enough words to describe the liquidy, explosive quality of it.