I decided that too many video games are aimed toward boys and men. They spend countless hours eliminating their aggressions with a keyboard or game control paddle (I was going to say “joystick” but I know that there are some of you with dirty minds who would totally misunderstand what I was trying to say.) Well I’ve decided I need to make my own video game. This one is just for women. It will be called *PMS Avenger *. The hero will of course be a woman. However, this won’t be no “Laura Croft Tom Raider” chick in some kind of stretchy-black-lycra-lingerie outfit. (How the #@!! is she even supposed to fight bad-guys with a wedgie all the time?) You can choose from one of the following 3 characters:
Break-Out Brenda – She sports some cute jeans, layered T-shirts, and THE cutest boots that she bought today just because she felt like it. Unfortunately, she also sports huge red welts on her chin–a gift from the freakin’ hormone fairy that she has tried to unsuccessfully cover with institutional-strength foundation.
Pudgy-Pooch Patricia — Patty, who normally wears a healthy size 14 pair of pants, is seen in the game wearing size 24 sweat pants and a pullover hoodie that says in bright white letters, “Hand over the Chocolate and No One Gets Hurt.” Her cute strawberry blonde hair that normally caresses her sun-kissed face is pulled back in a ponytail.
Gritchy Gretta — 21 days out of every month Gretta is gracious and gregarious. But when that special feeling comes upon her on day 22 she doesn’t feel quite herself. She wears her stretch-jeans with the top button undone and a baggy T-shirt to accomodate her now size 48-D boobs (which are only 36-B the other days of the month).
The object of the game will be to gather as much chocolate as possible without being swallowed by your stretch pants. You will have to pass through many challenges–each level being more difficult. Some of the challenges will be:
“Men-Who-For-Some-Strange-Reason-Can’t-Keep-Their-Yappers-Shut” Level The nice smiling evil male character that you will encounter will try to break you by tossing out phrases such as, “Oh, is it that time of the month again?” You will have to defat the beast by throwing witty phrases at them such as, “That has nothing to do with you being a jerk.” You defeat the level when the male character hands over the bag of Doritos he’s hiding.
“Forget Diamonds, Advil is a Girl’s Best Friend” Level In this level you have to go to all the drugstores and gather Advil before it’s sold out. Be careful–if you don’t hurry and get it in time your character rolls up into a little ball in the corner of the living room and whimpers softly.
“Give me the Freakin’ French Fries” Level This is a treacherous level where your character has to get to the end of the level without busting out of her clothes. Every turn she makes she will be met by Ice Cream, Potato Chips, French Fries, Pretzels, and maybe even a Salt-Lick. She’ll have to use her PMS-Avenger gun and hollow-point bullets to blast her way out before the seams on her stretch pants bust-out at the thighs.
So–my sweet sister–is there a market for this game? Any suggestions?–send ‘em quick. I think I’ll work on it tonight as I lie around like Shamoo the Whale, sipping my Diet Coke and popping back Ibuprofen like candy and licking the wrappers of my potato chip bag.
