I wasn’t allowed to say “fart” as a child. We “tooted”, “poofed”, “let one”, “passed gas”, or “sent a floating air biscuit”, but at our house, we did not fart. I’ll have to ask my mom sometime where the roots of this family rule began. Fart seems like a perfectly harmless word to me, and a fairly good descriptor. Maybe fart meant something worse in previous generations. Maybe only bad people farted.
Apparently we also had a problem at our house with people singing during dinner, which brought about the rule, “No singing at the table.” I wonder, did the problem escalate to the point of chaos? Showtunes and pop songs kept interrupting requests for the salt to be passed? Did my parents meet behind closed doors, discussing what to do about all the dinner-time showstoppers? What could they do? They had to come down hard and fast and nip this problem in the bud.
We weren’t allowed to watch “The Simpsons” because it threatened the very essence of what is good and praiseworthy. I didn’t watch “The Simpsons” until I was paying for the roof over my head, which is only fair. I don’t watch it a lot, but the episode in which Homer works from home and wears a moo-moo will always have a special place in my heart.
There was another rule that I thought was silly, until about two years ago. The rule: No clean clothes in the dirty clothes. As a child, this seemed like a great way to quickly clean a dirty room. What was the big deal? I’m here to formally apologize. Mom, I TOTALLY get it now, and I’m REALLY sorry.
Now that I am the parent, I have to say that my set of rules are completely reasonable and purpose-driven. For example, my kids are not allowed to say “bootylicious”. You may say “gorgeous”, “beautiful”, or ”hubba-hubba”, but I don’t want to hear smut like “bootylicious” coming out of their innocent little mouths.
Next rule: No playing with mom’s fingernails. They are mine. If you need something scratched or you need something to fidget with during a movie, GROW YOUR OWN.
Final rule: My kids will not be allowed to watch “The Bachelor”. Ever. Punishable by death.
So you see, while my parents had some strange and sometimes arbitrary rules, I only have reasonable, non-absurd rules, created for the betterment of my family and society as a whole.
So, what are/were the rules at your house, dear reader?