So, I keep reading about the Olympics getting killed in the ratings by American Idol, because our nation is obsessed with reality TV and apparently the Olympians who have worked their little fingers to the bone for their whole entire lives are not real enough for your average American. But, Paula Abdul is? Therefore, I have come up with a few ideas that I think will help put a little oomph into future programming.
I’m really excited about my first idea: At the conclusion of every figure skater’s routine, he/she beats one of the TV commentators with a thorny tree branch. (This would also be a good feature to add to the gymnastic venues in the summer games.)
Every night, all of the athletes gather in the stadium and vote one of the nations out of the Olympics. “I’m sorry, Finland, the globe has spoken.”
The cross-country skiers must ski in a suit filled with live scorpions and rattlesnakes and pig vomit. Oh, and they are lit on fire.
The top three finishers in every event will have to sing their national anthem, after which, TV viewers will be able to call and “vote” for their favorite singer. The gold, silver, and bronze will be awarded according to the vote.
Presidential Skeleton: No more athletes flying head-first on a tiny plastic sled down an icy, twisty slope. If your country wants to compete, you send your head-of-state.
Bikini Bobsled. I think that pretty much speaks for itself. I don’t necessarily approve, but if we want to compete against the big networks, we’ve got to play a little dirty.
During the closing ceremonies, one of the Italians will propose marriage to one of the single, skinny, big-boobed female athletes. I’m thinking Sweden has the lead here, but there could be an upset.
New rules for pairs skating: One of the partners must be a washed-up sitcom star.
Curling will be replaced with teams who are trying to lose weight. The team who loses the most collective weight wins the gold. Actually, you can use the people from the curling teams, but try to throw in another one of those washed-up sitcom stars. Oh, and I forgot to tell you–the dorms for the curling team are located above a bakery. DRAMA!
Halfway through the games: Coach Swap.
During down-time, athletes redecorate the dorm room of another athlete on a budget of 35,000 pesos.
One of the nations gets told that the Olympics are going to be held in a totally different city, preferrably on the other side of the globe. When they arrive, they are given $20 and a clue. If they find their way to the actual Olympics, they win a new Pontiac G6.
The final thing to do (and I hope you’re reading this, NBC) is announce the Olympics as the newest Oprah Book Club title. It doesn’t matter that they are not an actual book. This will work. Trust me. But, be sure and get Oprah’s permission on this one. She does NOT like to get duped.